Woodlands Treatment Center

Tragedy

April has delivered a sobering reminder of our frailty. It takes only a moment to shift from celebration to mourning. The events of last Monday at Virginia Tech are impossible to comprehend. I was also reminded by Matt, a student who is fast becoming a teacher, of the anniversary of the April 20, 1999 killings in Columbine.  There is little solace in times of such tragic losses. 

How sad it is that such things happen. I read the profiles of each of the victims in Blacksburg. Their pictures showed people so filled with life. I was especially taken by the grin of a young man named Jarrett Lane. Jarrett, his classmates and teachers, were taken in horrific fashon.  Even the shared grief of strangers throughout the world cannot bring relief. This community of compassion presents those who loved him a sense, at least. that they are not alone in their suffering. Jarrett’s infectious smile reminds me of a poem by Robert Louis Stevenson called “In Memoriam”. It is my offering to all who mourn this young man and those who died with him. May peace be with you.

YET, O stricken heart, remember, O remember
How of human days he lived the better part.
April came to bloom and never dim December
Breathed its killing chills upon the head or heart.

Doomed to know not Winter, only Spring, a being
Trod the flowery April blithely for awhile,
Took his fill of music, joy of thought and seeing,
Came and stayed and went, nor ever ceased to smile.

Came and stayed and went, and now when all is finished,
You alone have crossed the melancholy stream,
Yours the pang, but his, O his, the undiminished
Undecaying gladness, undeparted dream.

All that life contains of torture, toil, and treason,
All that life contains of torture, toil, and treason,
Here, a boy, he dwelt through all the singing season
And ere the day of sorrow departed as he came

Family Communication With Teenagers

My thirty five years of professional work with young people and their parents have provided a terrific education.  The people I serve have taught me more than I could have ever given them.  I have developed a system that I call TEDS that has worked well in response to what I have learned.  It has been an aid for families, facilitates communication and assists in mending the GREAT DIVIIDE!  Here is the short form.  Hope it helps!

1.  Talk about your feelings while not criticizing behaviors or people.

2.  Talk about what is going well and what is working first

3.  Establish family goals that everyone can agree to

4.  Establish guidelines rather than rules (rules are meant to be broken)

5.  Determine what happens when someone is unable to live by guidelines and get consensus on consequences

6.  Determine that you will all focus on "catching each other being good"

7.  Say I love you

8.  Say things that affirm each other (this is not to infer compliments...affirmations address the inside of each other...ie., "you are so good about supporting me when I am sad, I really appreciate you" compliments address the outside...ie., "you look nice".

It is important to remember that you never attack or threaten an adolescent.  It is important for young people to remember that you never attack or threaten an adult.  It just never works.  If there is a crisis you set up a time out until everyone is calm and THEN talk about what is going on.  Otherwise it is like pouring gas on a fire.  The goal is to de-escalate and provide guidance.  You are setting the tone for your future as a family.  It may be the most important work that you ever do.

The Darkenss of Pathless Places

One of the people that I serve in my addiction recovery center said “I have won all of my life. This is not supposed to happen to me at 56. I should be getting ready to retire and live the good life”. These words are so familiar to me. I uttered similar ones several years ago. I was 49 and my life was falling apart. I had been there before. How could this be? There are experiences that bring us to the place where we are lost…lost in pathless places without visible or invisible means of assistance. We are alone. Facing ourselves and afraid of what we might find. It is dark and we are baffled, confused and disoriented.

We have come to believe, in our modern culture, that this is an aberration. We think that we are somehow intended to start achieving when we begin school, lift off the ground when we graduate, and soar to greater and greater heights throughout our existence. It is the American Way. Never has there been a more mistaken perception. All of the religions, all of the mythology and all of the fairy tales are filled with stories that deal with the subject of the downward spiral. The familiar accounts of Moses, Muhammad, Buddha, Elijah and Jesus clearly tell the tale of being comfortable in a predictable life, being somehow drawn into the unfamiliar, struggling and dealing with the situation and then coming out the other side with a new message, ministry or epiphany. What had been is no more. The same is true in mythology and fairy tales. There is someone who becomes lost and eventually there are guides to help them find the way. The hero vanquishes the dragon or the foe and then lives a different life adventure that benefits humankind.

This is also the message of Holy Saturday. The fulfilling lives of Jesus followers have been torn away. Nothing is the same. Everything is ruined. They have gone into hiding and fear that they meet a horrible end. But out of that darkness and despair, grief and emptiness, come light and new life. This mystery is unfolding for each of us. At some point we are drawn to a place where we would rather not be. It may be brought on by stress, tragedy, illness, death of a loved one, or addictions. It may happen at 15 or at 60 but it will occur. We are called to find out who we really are, to struggle, to deal with it, and then to emerge as a new person with a broader and more compassionate vision. What had been excruciating becomes exhilarating. Nothing will ever be the same.

Good Friday

The name Good Friday always confused me as a child. The word “good” is attributed to this day in the Christian calendar to connote the paradox and wonder of the day. The prelude is a dinner celebration that ends with the lesson that leads the followers to become humble servants. Jesus of Nazareth tells his friends "If I, your lord and teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet." The stage is set for grueling hours of loneliness, abandonment by friends and family, incredible pain and suffering at the hands of others and finally death. This downward spiraling grief then, miraculously leads to new life and fulfillment. That which was bad becomes good. That which is filled with regret and bewilderment with no chance for redemption is transformed from darkness to light.

This story should ring so true for recovering people. The metaphors that point to "pairs of opposites" in our own lives are unmistakable. Our celebration somehow ended up in all of the loneliness, and torture that anyone can imagine. We actually died a kind of death to ourselves and to those who loved us. Then, by some unseen hand, we are lifted from our tombs and raised to a new life. Recovery is a miracle. Today is a perfect opportunity for reflection and re-dedication. Our lives have been restored.

How can we become the humble servants who bring light and comfort to those who still suffer? This, after all, is the meaning and pupose of life.

Servant Leadership ~ The Path To Freedom

The idea of a humble servant who provides inspiration and leadership is paradoxical and difficult to fully comprehend. Not to be confused with the public servant or civil servant who lends magnanimous support to an organization, the true servant is regarded as one who performs domestic chores. The servant is retained for substandard wages to perform tasks that the employer would rather not perform. The position is regarded as a lowly one and the servant is someone who does not have the skills to do more lofty things in life. How could a servant be a leader? How could a servant provide insight or encouragement? Can a servant be taken seriously?

It is important to understand that the concept and fad of corporate servant leadership in which the “priority needs of others are being served” is a way to improve the bottom line. It is not the spiritual challenge that is implied in true servant leadership at all. The servant leader is one who is compassionate and who embraces suffering, who loves without conditions, who shares power freely and recognizes, claims and proliferates our unique and individual identity as the beloved children of God. They seek forgiveness, healing and liberation for themselves and for others so that we may all grow into God’s vision for the world. They create loving communities and institutions where peace and social justice are paramount. They nurture and embolden others. They follow the path of the one who washed the feet of the disciples. They serve without expectation of compensation.

Wouldn’t it be transforming if we could begin to practice these principles in all of our affairs? Such change would create a world in which we would no longer strike preemptively at supposed enemies. We would become empathetic, practice diplomacy and treat each other with dignity. We would listen attentively. We would share our resources. We would finally be at peace. Starting today…let’s love our neighbors as ourselves. It is the path to real freedom.